December 24, 2002 - 10:34 a.m.
Happy holidays everyone, it seems that I am in fact the Christmas Grinch. Either that or Scrooge. Cause here it is on Christmas Eve and I am a) in the office and b) have meetings scheduled for this afternoon. But I can happily report to all of you that FINALLY I have gotten my shopping done. Did you know that Target opened d at 7 am this morning? I do. Did you know that if you go to Target on the way to work in the morning the lines really aren't that bad after all, nonexistent really. This could be a new shopping plan for me going forward! Actually, to say that I am done with christmas shopping would be to overstate the truth. The fact of the matter is that I am done with the christmas shopping that really has to get done by christmas. THink of it as a tier system. Shop first of those things that get delivered first. If I expect to see you tomorrow - your gift is happily in my trunk (what you thought things would be wrapped too? Are you crazed - it is still daylight I have eons left for that!) If I expect to see you some time between now and oh, this weekend, it is likely that I have some inkling what I am going to acquire, might even have it, or not. For all of you that I don't plan to see between now and 12th Night ... heck that is weeks away. Think of the after Christmas sales! Really for the love of god ... no random appearances on my doorstop, this is one of those holding on to the edges of the world sorts of thing ... somebody showing up early and unexpected could toss the whole thing into panic!
Well, I will go ahead and admit it in writing ... I officially have 3 cats. Yes, I know that you all know that I have had Cougar for MONTHS and that you think I have owned him for all that time, but now it is official. He has a special christmas collar and a stocking hanging on the mantle. There are even prezzies in it. And the final tell ... he has claimed the bed as his territory too. And let me tell you 3 cats in a bed - pretty warm. Mind you there is no hope of ever turning over in your sleep, ever again. C'est la vie. So in honor of him, and my other elves that will be hard at work this evening ...
Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present
is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping
paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky
tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on
table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat
that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from
box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the
cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried
to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting
cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present,
wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and
paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place,
while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to
remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape,
making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall
and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional
turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is
now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet
of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save
time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old
cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present
and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to
re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat
outside door, close door and relock door.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly
this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs
by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now
tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork,
congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink
and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before
coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping
paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain
you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly
at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed
such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will
get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
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